The Armchair Quarterback Volume 42: Crime and Punishment

November 16, 2019




After the San Francisco 49ers’ heartbreaking first loss of the season on Monday Night Football, emotions were running high. So high in fact that one seemingly intoxicated fan decided to rip the face mask off of the Joe Montana statue at Levi’s Stadium. “Fan” may be a strong word in this case, because no one that would desecrate Joe Cool’s statue like that should really call themselves a fan. But I am under the strong belief that individuals that have done wrong should have a path to redemption. Of course, each crime has a different path to redemption. But vandalism typically deserves some type of community service as a punishment. Here are some possible punishments that fit the crime.  



Gameday Chauffeur


During weekends with home games at Levi’s Stadium many out of town Faithful show up in the Bay Area to watch their 49ers play. Whether they be Bay Area natives living elsewhere and coming back home or out of town fans that grew to love the team from many miles away, they need rides from their various hotels and Airbnbs to the stadium. 


The alleged vandal should be on-call and charged with driving out of town fans to and from their lodgings to the stadium for every home game next season. It will be like an internal Uber service for the 49er Faithful. Red and Gold Transport anyone?



Be a REAL Fan


Levi’s Stadium east side is notoriously known to become extremely hot during the preseason and early games during the regular season. The blazing Santa Clara sun hits the section behind the visitors’ sideline in a way that causes that region of the stadium to overheat. 


Well, Mr. Vandal has another potential community service to perform here, being a fan of the fans. His punishment should entail being given a massive palm leaf fan, think those used to fan Egyptian pharaohs, and fanning all sections on the east side of the stadium. A good 10 minutes (real time, not game time) for each section before moving onto the next one and then boomeranging back and starting again. That way he can start to earn back the status of being a “fan”!



Garbage Time 


Now a tried and true method of community service is picking up garbage in one’s community. Therefore “Vandal-heart” should be committed to picking up trash all along U.S. Highway 101 around the South Bay. But not just in an orange vest. Whilst picking up the trash, he should be committed to wearing a football helmet with a full facemask on it. You know similar to the one he ripped off of the GOAT’s statue! 



Personal Foul 


Ol’ vandal boy doesn’t deserve jail time for his actions. Nor does he deserve an exorbitant fine that will throw him in severe debt for multiple years. But he does need to atone for his actions. A typical facemask comes with a 15-yard penalty, but this one deserves a massive act of service that can be given back to the community of Faithful! 


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