• Safa Shooshtry

The Armchair Quarterback Volume 33: Grievance Achievements

Image Credit: Rick Scuteri/Associated Press

By now every NFL fan with a pulse and at least two of five functioning senses are aware of the Antonio Brown helmet saga. And although the Oakland Raiders’ wide receiver lost two grievances with the league, requesting he be able to wear his old helmet, it looks like he will be ending up with an endorsement deal with one of the helmet companies. A happy ending after all… or is it? Why stop with the grievances at the helmet level? Brown is clearly a stickler for detail. There has to be some other piece of equipment lingering around in the team facility that he can find issue with. What might he file a grievance for next?

Team- Issued Socks

Now another issue that football fans have been subjected to regarding Brown is his frostbitten feet. According to reports, he went into a cryochamber in France without proper footwear. The result was that the soles of his feet look like a crusty map of the world that even Indiana Jones couldn’t decipher! This leaves the door open for Brown to complain about the team issued socks. His nasty, crusty, recovering from frostbite feet need double soled socks. Oh, you mean to tell me the Raiders only have singled soled socks. Grievance right there!

Team Issued Towels

Brown has a taste for quality in many facets of his life. He likes nice cars, nice clothes, and nice accessories. The Raiders team issue towels likely will not have enough density for him. And everyone knows that more density means better quality (actually very few people probably know that). Brown doesn’t want those semi-dense pieces of cloth touching his skin. He wants the 700 GSM (grams per square meter) hitter! Oh, the Raiders team issued towels are 300 GSM… grievance!

TV Screens in Team Facility

According to completely unreliable sources in the league, the screens at the Raiders facility play only Guy Fieri shows and G-Eazy music videos. This is not okay with Brown. Because according to even more unreliable sources he only likes to have the music video of “God’s Plan” by Drake and his old Madden commercial on loop at all times. This is a major issue and Brown will not stand for subpar videos being transmitted. Therefore… GRIEVANCE!

Antonio Brown may not have won his two grievances to use his old helmet. But he sure has many other chances to fight the league over other equipment issues. Maybe they will relent on one TV screen for him. Maybe they will have a tailor redo his socks. And maybe the league will up the GSM on those damn towels!

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