The Armchair Quarterback Volume 28: FaceApp Freeze-Frame
Image Credit: Reddit
If you’ve been on any social media outlets in the last 72 hours, chances are you’ve seen your followers and friends age by 30to 40 years in their photos. No, we haven’t all somehow reached a wormhole that transported us into the future. There is an app that people are obsessing over that shows its users a glimpse into the future, at an aged version of themselves. That app is called FaceApp.
It was all fun and games when people were using the app on themselves. But then people started using the app with photos of celebrities and generating pictures of what those celebs would look like in the future. And eventually, San Francisco 49ers players were unwillingly dragged into them mix. But those aged photos had so much character! They deserve more than just a generic/sarcastic tweet as a caption. They deserve a full freeze-frame movie afterword. So, without further ado, here are some of your 49ers and their journeys into their golden years!
Image Credit: NinersNation
After running routes and catching passes for many years in the NFL, wide receiver Dante Pettis decided to trade in the cleats for cats. Well, more cats. With his two faithful feline assistants Bagheera and Mowgli, he decided to follow his dream of opening cat sanctuaries all over the world. He began his journey in Istanbul, Turkey where there is a considerable stray cat problem. He moved on to open more sanctuaries in cities all over Asia, Europe, and Africa. And he was instrumental in removing the stigma of the “stray city cat” and instead rebranded them as “urban feral cats.” He installed full-time care givers in these sanctuaries as well. While he still calls the Bay Area home, he makes the journey once a year to each of his sanctuaries to personally provide food and litter for the residents. He truly is a lover of all things feline!
After many seasons of throwing the football, quarterback Jimmy Garoppolo decided it was time to throw… a lifesaver. Upon leaving the game of football he was offered a role in the fifth Baywatch reboot to date. He continued donning the red that he wore most of his career. But instead of a red jersey his new attire was a pair of red trunks. The show lasted a solid 10 seasons and led to various modeling opportunities. Underwear modeling, teeth modeling, and right triceps modeling were some of the avenues his Baywatch role brought to him. Although the Baywatch reboot may have run its course, he still makes guest lifeguard appearances at local Bay Area pools. And he shouts pre-snap calls in his “sexy cadence” at people who refuse to follow the rules.
Image Credit: NinersNation
To the surprise of no one, tight end George Kittle followed up his record-breaking NFL career with a pro wrestling career. He developed a number of signature finishing moves throughout that time, the Kittle-Bell Slam, the Kittle-Corn Crunch, and the Kittle Whittle. All were devastating moves that left opponents obliterated in the ring. But his iconic moment was when he challenged his hero, wrestling legend “Stone Cold” Steve Austin, to a match at WrestleMania. Austin was in his 70s but was still one tough son of a… yeah. They had an intense back-and-forth. But Kittle would go onto use Austin’s own move the “Stone Cold Stunner” against him in shocking fashion and win by pinfall. After the match they both chugged beers together in the ring in an act of sportsmanship and solidarity.
And that my friends are what each of those creepy glimpses of the future photos need, an explanation. Not just a “here’s me after a week of work” tagline. That’s boring and cliché. Be bold, create a life story for yourself, and then see how it plays out. Keep score, maybe! Kind of like what bold NFL reporters and analysts do. But if you’re wrong admit it and don’t be a jerk when people call you out on it. Anyhow the 49ers report for training camp in a week, so until then stay sane and… Stay Faithful My Friends!
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